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**this was written during the time when I was courting my current wife**
04/06/2004 1:58PM
I’m so at odds with myself at this very moment
I feel a need to resurge everything that got me to this very point in life
Its time for a revival within my inner being
My art and my music has to step forth now
I need its healing powers
I’ve experiencing so many wonderful emotions and feelings
And writing once a week cannot capture it all
I’m overflowing with a need to vent
My weekend was good, but I find myself not wanting to write about it
Seems as if the only day I remember is Sunday
Like I blocked out every thing before
Everything up to that day seemed to be a blur
I was very quiet
Had a headache after the long drive there
I couldn’t find Kima’s job according to her directions
So I rode around for over an hour
Had to stop and get chocolate
And by the time we got to her house I was ready to pass out
And I kept telling myself that at least I was there
Even after the guy in blockbuster refused to let us get a movie
I told myself that it was cool at least I was here
And I had a disturbing dream that night
I was dreaming that I was scared to sleep
Scared that something would get me if I closed my eyes
And then I drifted off….
I woke up with an old ex in the bed with me
I felt myself fighting to get her out
Kima walked in and simply said "Ok"
And in the next minutes the girl was on the way to the hospital for stitches
Word was that she had been cut down her face
I told Kima that I didn’t want to go back to sleep
That I needed her there
And if she couldn’t be there then to at least let the kids sleep there
So I fell asleep with kids sleeping all around me
As if I needed their innocence to protect me
To keep me innocent
Then I jumped up sweating and I was alone in Niree’s bed
I couldn’t go back to sleep so I waited until I heard Nikima’s alarm go off
Heard her use the restroom
And then went into her room
Didn’t want to do much that day
Between the dog attempting to eat me
And Nikima’s mom attempting to exercise her authority
Nothing really got done
We managed to find time to take some pictures,
And I grew sleepy as Kima did her homework
And by the time Niree was ready for bed, I was too
And the day was done…
I only just now remember the church I went to on Sunday
We drove to Virginia and I was calm as I looked at the beautiful mountain sides
A strong wind blowing, moving the car as we rode.
I seen a red canary fly past the car.
Wondered if it was an omen.
But I’ve never been scared of people
Maybe that will be a fault one day
To fear no man, may mean to underestimate a worthy opponent.
We arrive late and I don’t think Nikima
Knows that I’m hardly ever late
And while she gets her stockings on,
Me and Niree decide to go in
Her mom is upfront singing wonderfully
And the music is going and the people are lively
And I feel at home
I see their stares but it doesn’t bother me
I sense their questions, but I clap my hands
As if I’ve been going there all my life
Only when the preacher gets into the "Turn and Tell your neighbor…"
Part of the sermon do I realize that I’m just a visitor.
Whoever started that anyway?
Started as a tactical device to keep a crowd alive
And I watched as the lady shouted and I thought let her fall!
She’ll be alright, but the sisters held her while her legs gave in and out.
And the brother in the pulpit wanted to fall when the pastor laid her hands on him,
I watched as he swiveled so his back wasn’t towards the chairs
And I looked as the Bass guitarist stood and touched the man’s head
And gently pushed away from the chairs into a safe area
And he, the man fell on the floor and cried
I haven’t seen church like this in a while and could only think of my sister and me.
Our inside joke running in the house and yelling "The Holy Ghost is He-ah!
The Holy Ghost is He-ah!"
To illustrate how we never know whose real or fake.
I just pray that we all take God seriously in our lives and be honest with ourselves and him.
And I know that I need some help in this new venture of mine.
I will need God more so than ever now.
Only I haven’t had a strong urgency until now to get him.
To secure him a spot in my life
I need help that it seems no man or woman can give me right now
I need a spiritual advisor
And I know no better counselor than the Big Guy himself.
As we drove back to NC, I thought that my time was coming soon
I would have to give in to a higher calling one of these days
Just not ready yet God
When the time comes I don’t want to be a slacker
When I can give 110% I’ll be there
Fast forward……
Turned on by the eroticism of Purple Rain, my hands got crunk again that evening
My first time watching
Something about a Prince soundtrack
Sitting in the floor
My hands on Kima’s stomach
A blanket over her body
Her door wide open
I could hear her son’s video game in the next room
She adjusted her self and it seemed as if my hands adjusted themselves
I love sitting with my hands just inside the top of her pants
Such warmth there
Such softness, even the texture of the hairs has an alluring nature
And I asked her if it was alright
If it was okay for me to touch her
She rose up a little as if to say "yeah baby, its alright"
This was the only time we had together that entire weekend
I felt her let go for a minute as she gave in to the moment
She said she felt bad
I had no apology to give her
I felt good…
I wanted her to have that moment more than anything
Then her mom came through the back door
I jumped up and rushed to the bathroom
Prepared for my drive home
It was cold outside
But she was right
As long as she held me the cold seemed to only go around us
Her hair blowing in the wind
Some in my mouth so I’m using my tongue to get it out
Don’t want to let go of her so my hands and arms remain where they are
It’s funny how in moments like this anything you say seems romantic
And the moment is so beautiful
And yet again it was nothing planned
Who new the wind would pick up
And the air would grow cold
On the day I was to leave
Who knew we would stand arm in arm under these circumstances
Scared to let each other go
A catch 22
If we let go we would be consumed by the cold
If we let go I would be leaving
It helped that Niree ran around the corner
And I picked him up over my shoulder as if to say I love you little man
Told him I would see him later
And I rode home
Me driving the speed limit for once
Kima confirming that she wants to move to GA ASAP
Me thinking that would be great
Doesn’t seem like its so much that I have to do anymore
Had thought that there should be this great preparation but…
Seems that if love is unconditional…
Then at that very point marriage should also be
So everyone knows that I am in love
Both our parents cool with the fact
And I assume that its our move
My move like some new reality chess game
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