Echoes of My Generation: Journal 004 05/22/06

This was the weekend we conquered stone mountain
It's a bonding thing I do with my son
Although my wife finds it hard letting us have our moments
So we are halfway up the mountain and get a phone call
She and my brother's fiance are on their way with my 12mth old son
All the peace I had aquired immediately left
As I imagined her struggling to walk the rugged trail
with a 20lb baby attached to her neck and back
So I sat at the top of the mountain trying to enjoy the scenery
while waiting on them wondering if they would actually make it
My wife has a problematic knee and my brother's fiance was just showing off a bandaid on hers
Where they just wanting to prove a point?
Not wanting to feel like less than equal
Or in my wife's case just not liking being told what to do
So they left the other kids with the rest of our party and decided to make the hike
I imagine them making it up on stubborness,
Talking about us men the entire way up
Envoking every negative memory they could using it as strength!
I was relieved to see them on their way up, when we were just descending
While we had a great time hiking
It was me, my son Niree, brother's Anthony and Jerald of the HBO crew, and Jesse a troubled teen that Anthony mentors.
We were tired ourselves and passed a 42 year old mom with a huge backpack with a kid in it!
She admitted to being a cross country runner, after making fun of us for whining about the hike
We passed a father who had his son doing pushups ontop of one of the rocks
I asked my son Niree what's up with that?
And although I didnt get any pushups, he did about 3 jumping jacks for me :-)
I dont push my son to be some super athelete
I push him to be super academically inclined though
Even though he is one of the leaders on his youth football squad
We focus on books and dream of being scientist and engineers
The football and sports is just a hobby, I have to make sure it's viewed that way
At the half way point, he did about 30 pushups
No doubt in competive mode now,
didnt want the other son to impress his dad more than he could
I Smiled and told him that was enough and to conserve his energy for the rest of the hike
Once at the top we refilled our water bottles and talked for what seemed like an hour
has to be one of my top 10 best ways to clear your mind!
Going up and coming down we passed and met some of the most interesting people
People of all races and ages
An older kid had an obnoxious whistle device and sounded like a duck
Obviously trying to rebel in his own little way
He seemed slightly embarrassed as Anthony yelled "There goes Darkwing Duck!"
My family is quick to clown strangers
I caught several women eyeing my brother's as we walked down
It was funny, because I had fell back some
And didnt seem to be with the group
So I saw older women looking them up and down from head to toe
As if they had some fantasy going on in their heads
I laughed so hard and loud, hoping to embarrass them as we are all spoken for
But it was all in good humor
Some younger girls made Anthony start to plan for his daughter
A group of young black girls seen our group descending
They were at the rest stop
One of them took and tied her t-Shirt tight and raised it to just under her chest
Her shorts were already barely covering her butt
And we walked past in disgust
Thinking of our kids
Praying that we were able to guide them a little better than that
Hoping that they respect their bodies and the men around them
I even teach my sons that
Dont walk around my house in your underwear,
Put some pajamas on at night
Change clothes while you are in the bathroom
Dont want to see you streak across the hall naked after a shower!
But basically instilling seeds that they should respect themselves
and those that are around them
My 12mth old is the only one allowed to enjoy running around naked
and he Thoroughly enjoys it!
In a year or so, I'll be chasing him with a diaper telling him to cover his lil butt up
It's monday and I'm at work now
I have a lot to do for IBM and for my own business
So I guess I will be getting started
A lot more happened this weekend but I wont force you to read anymore
I think you have enough to love me or hate me over...

Echoes of My Generation: Journal 003 05/15/06

... the past is sticking a pole up my behind right now
Around september last year a friend of mine called asking me if he could help my company
He asked for a sample graphic and I gave it to him
Forward a few months...
I get calls that people have seen my ads in the yellow pages?
forward to now....
BellSouth Advertising has been billing me at a rate of $989.70 per month!
My first goal is to preserve the friendship
My second goal is to make it understood that I am not liable for the money on an account that I didnt personally set up
In this atmosphere of Stop Snitching campaigns my conscious keeps me trying to fix the problem
When I could just let it go
It's been a long weekend
my wife is having dreams of little girls
Infants...
We had decided to stop at two and we have reached that goal
I'm cool if there is one on the way
She is not
I love kids and have all the patience in the world for them
She loves them but has no patience
I love her to death
Just today she drafted a letter to Oprah Winfrey that depicted us so poor
That I felt absolutely horrible about myself for a few seconds
Then I though… wait! This aint right…
but that’s here willing to go above and beyond to get things done
We are two different people and we realize that all the time
Wouldn’t do any one thing the same
I guess opposites do attract
They’ve got me sick now
My family
It seems that something has been going around and now its to me
I’m at work now feeling like I’m floating
Dizzy, nauseous, coughing
On top of all that, it’s busy at work
I think my wife is upset because I wont help pitch the story to Oprah
She called me boojee…
I just see too many homeless people and less fortunate people on a daily basis
I know that we can work and save and plan and do whatever our hearts desire
But there are some people out there who generally need help
I enjoyed Auburn Fest in Atlanta this weekend
I took my son to meet my homeless friends who I see each week
They seemed surprised that I would take time out to see them on weekends
Junior’s eyes were bloodshot as if he had been drinking all morning
Curt was working the parking lot where they slept
Directing cars in while calling his boss a faggot behind his back
And every time he cursed he looked at my son Jett and said “I’m sorry lil man!”
This was my wife’s first time at this event
She forgot to get cash and was more mad at herself
I was surprised to see so many corporate sponsors
The festival has grown since I last seen it
Companies are realizing that minorities drive business
Everyone was there from Starbucks to Crystal Lite
Vibe Vixen bragged on stage with Kelly from destinies Child
I tried to get my son to get an autograph with the other kids
He refused.
I think he only loves beyonce.
I jokingly told him he doesn’t like dark skin people like myself
My youngest, Jett enjoyed himself
We lay in the grass and he laughed and slobbered on my chest and face as I threw him into the air and caught him
It seemed that the crowd was growing thicker as we left
And the dude on the corner started play freak out on his guitar
Which was plugged in to one of the cheap karaoke radios
He only seemed to know the chorus
Then he stopped in the middle and asked me to spare some change
I told him the festival had took all my money!
Since when did a polish sausage cost $5 with no drink and no fries?
I gave my wife $10 and she came back with a big Turkey leg and one Polish Sausage
I was mad at that, we should have went to a restaurant on Auburn
That was basically my weekend right there
Finished up some work for some clients
So much more to do
Produced about 3 new tracks
Now ready for another week…

Echoes of My Generation: Journal 002 05/12/06

**this was written during the time when I was courting my current wife**
04/06/2004 1:58PM
I’m so at odds with myself at this very moment
I feel a need to resurge everything that got me to this very point in life
Its time for a revival within my inner being
My art and my music has to step forth now
I need its healing powers
I’ve experiencing so many wonderful emotions and feelings
And writing once a week cannot capture it all
I’m overflowing with a need to vent
My weekend was good, but I find myself not wanting to write about it
Seems as if the only day I remember is Sunday
Like I blocked out every thing before
Everything up to that day seemed to be a blur
I was very quiet
Had a headache after the long drive there
I couldn’t find Kima’s job according to her directions
So I rode around for over an hour
Had to stop and get chocolate
And by the time we got to her house I was ready to pass out
And I kept telling myself that at least I was there
Even after the guy in blockbuster refused to let us get a movie
I told myself that it was cool at least I was here
And I had a disturbing dream that night
I was dreaming that I was scared to sleep
Scared that something would get me if I closed my eyes
And then I drifted off….
I woke up with an old ex in the bed with me
I felt myself fighting to get her out
Kima walked in and simply said "Ok"
And in the next minutes the girl was on the way to the hospital for stitches
Word was that she had been cut down her face
I told Kima that I didn’t want to go back to sleep
That I needed her there
And if she couldn’t be there then to at least let the kids sleep there
So I fell asleep with kids sleeping all around me
As if I needed their innocence to protect me
To keep me innocent
Then I jumped up sweating and I was alone in Niree’s bed
I couldn’t go back to sleep so I waited until I heard Nikima’s alarm go off
Heard her use the restroom
And then went into her room
Didn’t want to do much that day
Between the dog attempting to eat me
And Nikima’s mom attempting to exercise her authority
Nothing really got done
We managed to find time to take some pictures,
And I grew sleepy as Kima did her homework
And by the time Niree was ready for bed, I was too
And the day was done…
I only just now remember the church I went to on Sunday
We drove to Virginia and I was calm as I looked at the beautiful mountain sides
A strong wind blowing, moving the car as we rode.
I seen a red canary fly past the car.
Wondered if it was an omen.
But I’ve never been scared of people
Maybe that will be a fault one day
To fear no man, may mean to underestimate a worthy opponent.
We arrive late and I don’t think Nikima
Knows that I’m hardly ever late
And while she gets her stockings on,
Me and Niree decide to go in
Her mom is upfront singing wonderfully
And the music is going and the people are lively
And I feel at home
I see their stares but it doesn’t bother me
I sense their questions, but I clap my hands
As if I’ve been going there all my life
Only when the preacher gets into the "Turn and Tell your neighbor…"
Part of the sermon do I realize that I’m just a visitor.
Whoever started that anyway?
Started as a tactical device to keep a crowd alive
And I watched as the lady shouted and I thought let her fall!
She’ll be alright, but the sisters held her while her legs gave in and out.
And the brother in the pulpit wanted to fall when the pastor laid her hands on him,
I watched as he swiveled so his back wasn’t towards the chairs
And I looked as the Bass guitarist stood and touched the man’s head
And gently pushed away from the chairs into a safe area
And he, the man fell on the floor and cried
I haven’t seen church like this in a while and could only think of my sister and me.
Our inside joke running in the house and yelling "The Holy Ghost is He-ah!
The Holy Ghost is He-ah!"
To illustrate how we never know whose real or fake.
I just pray that we all take God seriously in our lives and be honest with ourselves and him.
And I know that I need some help in this new venture of mine.
I will need God more so than ever now.
Only I haven’t had a strong urgency until now to get him.
To secure him a spot in my life
I need help that it seems no man or woman can give me right now
I need a spiritual advisor
And I know no better counselor than the Big Guy himself.
As we drove back to NC, I thought that my time was coming soon
I would have to give in to a higher calling one of these days
Just not ready yet God
When the time comes I don’t want to be a slacker
When I can give 110% I’ll be there
Fast forward……
Turned on by the eroticism of Purple Rain, my hands got crunk again that evening
My first time watching
Something about a Prince soundtrack
Sitting in the floor
My hands on Kima’s stomach
A blanket over her body
Her door wide open
I could hear her son’s video game in the next room
She adjusted her self and it seemed as if my hands adjusted themselves
I love sitting with my hands just inside the top of her pants
Such warmth there
Such softness, even the texture of the hairs has an alluring nature
And I asked her if it was alright
If it was okay for me to touch her
She rose up a little as if to say "yeah baby, its alright"
This was the only time we had together that entire weekend
I felt her let go for a minute as she gave in to the moment
She said she felt bad
I had no apology to give her
I felt good…
I wanted her to have that moment more than anything
Then her mom came through the back door
I jumped up and rushed to the bathroom
Prepared for my drive home
It was cold outside
But she was right
As long as she held me the cold seemed to only go around us
Her hair blowing in the wind
Some in my mouth so I’m using my tongue to get it out
Don’t want to let go of her so my hands and arms remain where they are
It’s funny how in moments like this anything you say seems romantic
And the moment is so beautiful
And yet again it was nothing planned
Who new the wind would pick up
And the air would grow cold
On the day I was to leave
Who knew we would stand arm in arm under these circumstances
Scared to let each other go
A catch 22
If we let go we would be consumed by the cold
If we let go I would be leaving
It helped that Niree ran around the corner
And I picked him up over my shoulder as if to say I love you little man
Told him I would see him later
And I rode home
Me driving the speed limit for once
Kima confirming that she wants to move to GA ASAP
Me thinking that would be great
Doesn’t seem like its so much that I have to do anymore
Had thought that there should be this great preparation but…
Seems that if love is unconditional…
Then at that very point marriage should also be
So everyone knows that I am in love
Both our parents cool with the fact
And I assume that its our move
My move like some new reality chess game

Echoes of My Generation: Journal 001 05/08/06

I woke up this morning to the sounds of my son, Jett calling Da-Da
His tone getting more and more frustrated
And by the time I managed to scratch the crust out my eyes and get him
He had prepared a nice diaper full of stinky stinky for me
And actually laughed as I changed him!
He hasnt been feeling well lately
Decided to throw his milk up on my wrist and carpet at 6am!
So I decide to head for work and put him next to my wife
Who was using every force she could draw to try and sleep through our noise
But she had to know we were going to wake her up
We had a great show this weekend
I was working the front area so missed the majority of it
I guess I will catch the DVD
Sometimes my head is so full of thoughts that I can barely stay awake
Cant concentrate on anyone thing
I've begin a new journey as an MC
Had given up chasing the microphone to help other's persue their careers
But lately the urge to write, perform and produce has been to strong
And channeling my energy through others is a long drawn out process
Which tests my patience often
So i've decided to touch the mic again,
I want to speak from a spiritual point of view
I want to touch on the subject of struggle and misfortune
I want to give everyone a mirror image of themselves on CD
How hard can that be?
It's hard balancing a wife, kids, a company, a 9-5 with IBM, and a barrel fll of clients all asking for my attention every minute of every day
I figured out a long time ago tha crying, screaming nor fighting will help
You just have to brace yourself and take the onslaught
Do the work and feel the triumph in the end
I think often that I want to change the world
I want to make just one big difference
I focus on that and maybe one day it will happen
I want to prove that a man can have one wife, a family and a successful career
Without blowing it all on one night of passion with an ex
or drinking it all away, smoking it away neither wasting it away
I want to be a role model for my kids and their friends
I want to live to see them old and have kids
I have a few people close to me who I push for so hard
Want that they should never fall or fail, so I almost force my friendship on them
And lately I think that it isnt the right thing to do
So today I stand torn
I miss them terribly in their absence
And that absence is constant
So maybe I should allow myself to move on
It's been a great year so far so i have no real complaints
Everything is working itself out
It's my brother's birthday tonight and I dont have nothing for him
Beside's "his" lawnmower that "he" lets me borrow to cut my grass.
Would be wrong to drop that of at his house while yelling happy b-day out the window!
I'm wondering now if happiness has to be a choice?
because sometimes I am regardless of whether I want to be or not
And sometimes I just dont want to be
Some of my strongest songs come when I am facing obsacles
My words have a peircing effect following a season of hardships.
Maybe thats why it seems that everytime I make a come up something comes along and sets me back on common ground...